Beauty.

" I am finding that vulnerability gives me great strength, because you're not hiding anymore. "

~Tori Amos, rape survivor and incredibly strong and beautiful woman.

Sometimes being vulnerable is about entering into the deepest parts of who we are and letting the darkness and ugliness be discovered. Sometimes its about letting down a mask that we wear. Sometimes its about saying, yes there is something going on inside my head, heart, and soul that i don't want to let out.
All the time, it is scary. and all the time, God will bring freedom into those areas of ourselves that we keep hidden.

when we are playing hide and seek as kids there is always that nervous "what if they find me" feeling in our stomach? as kids, its with a smile, and an excited scream & giggle when they do. when it comes to our most vulnerable places, its with tears, a pit in our stomach, and the overwhelming feeling that if they find me, they will turn around and walk the other direction. It won't be my turn to count while you go hide. It will be.....
.....It will be something different for each of us.

But then there's God. God says it will be ok. God says we can uncover our darkness. We can dance in the midst of our sorrow. We can look the grunge in the face. We can look ourselves in the faces.

And we can stand redeemed.

Refreshed. In places that had dried up.
Beautiful. In places where beauty was stolen.
Alive. In places where I chose death.

When we enter the deep places...we find that along with darkness and ugliness lie beauty and life.

............And we find that its going to be ok.

KAUAI...

is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. Things became more alive than they have ever been. Colors were true colors. Pineapple was REAL pineapple. The water was like swimming in glass. Not the way glass would really feel if you swam in it, but the way you would imagine it to feel by looking at its clarity. The air was pure. I wonder if I got to experience a little bit of what Adam and Eve had when they were in the garden...I wouldn't be surprised if heaven looked a little bit like Kauai. Sound trite? Let me know if you still think so when you get the chance to go :-)

What a beautiful God.

Reminiscing

Well now that I added this text I can't find the pic. What a wierdo. Use your imagination to picture this scene.
This is Beckie. She and I worked together at Hillview. She was my wife for the time being, in a purely platonic sense. She and I raised children and kept house together. The little wanderer next to Beckie's feet is Rocky. He is one of the kids of one of our girls, so he is our grandson. Don't worry, he's not lost, he always looks like that. I miss that little face so much!

Post Hillview

Forty days ago I quit my live-in job working at a group home for teen moms that sucked the life out of me. Rather, I chose to give my life away to the girls I cared for. And because I was giving away everything I had in me, I ended up with nothing. So now, I am depleted, and in addition, I don't have the thing that I poured all of myself out into. So I am empty and lost. It's not such a good feeling.
This past week I was asking God the big question a lot: "Why do you let things happen to people that they spend a lifetime recovering from?" I didn't get any answers. I just know that I believe that God weeps when we weep. Then the question shifted to: "Why would God call me to something that would break me down?" I realized that He didn't stop short of asking His son to give His life. Jesus even asked for God to pass him by and not make him go through with it. But we needed it. So I guess that answers why God would ask that of me. Because my girls needed it.
So is God a utilitarian?

I don't know that either. But He loves. That is the only thing I can figure out from all of this.

SO, I mostly created this blog so that I can be a part of the blog community and stay up to date with what my friends are doing. I will update as things happen in my life but for now, I am just working for the summer until I start studying at Fuller Seminary in September. And meanwhile God has been inspiring some musical creations in me and I want to talk with musically inclined people because I have no idea how to make this stuff come to life!